30 Days of Confessions Day 1

Day 1 Confession: I am so different from who I was, when I wasn't in a relationship with The Almighty! Sooo many people can verify that (even the ones who fell away in the pruning). I was excited, comfortable & accepting in being different for a long time. That is how so many fell away, I walked away & grew closer to those who stayed.  I was finally getting to be the me; I hadn’t known I was trying to be. Then one day I wasn't.

I can even pin point the time frame; fall 2017. I got tired of being different, always putting my best self forward & having to be the "bigger" or "better" person in every situation. I wanted some fleshly reward/gratification. My old man was coming out of storage, more than ever & I was trying to fit it under my new man apparel.  While I noticed the changes, they were familiar & I kept telling myself it was me being authentic to who God created me to be (pardon me, while even I roll my eyes).

I have been making compromises, that bother me, but they make me not feel so different all the time. I have been holding on to & revisiting old habits/desires, knowing their fruitless & not what I actually desire. Cussing when I get angry, having road rage (inappropriate hand gestures & all), using my words for not saying good things, not showing grace, nor mercy in situations that clearly warranted them (Queen of attitude had returned).  I was on the struggle boat & rowing hard!

I knew something was amiss when people who have only known me since I met my Messiah, thought I was acting out of character & I would tell them how bad I used to be! Like since what they were seeing was a tame version of the old me, it was acceptable. I was only fooling myself! However, I hadn’t looked for a root for the problem, because let’s be honest! It felt good to my flesh!  I was barely praying for changes in my attitudes. Clearly, the Lord had delivered me, so these weren’t infractions, that’s just me being “real”. Don’t worry if you want to Holy Ghost slap me, I understand; completely!!

Well God reminded me why He is Jehovah Nissi!! He came crashing into my hardheartedness & ripped off all the Band-Aids. I didn't know I was ready, or that there was a "ready" to be had! Good thing the Lord knew! He was Jehovah Rapha to the rescue! He knew that I was ready & that it was time. I heard Him whisper “I am breaking your heart into pieces”. Followed by a wave of pain in my physical heart, that felt like I just had a breakup.  So in a blubbering mess of ugly crying tears, I voiced everything that was holding me back & lay the pain I had walled inside my hard heart to forget, at His feet. I was also very grateful I had a friend with me when it happened, because alone I might have continued to lie to myself.

Then the next day, while listening to Tasha Page-Lockheart’s song Different  I realized; I had lost my desire to be different. I had stopped seeking to only be in the world, but not of it. I had become discontent with being a foreigner in this world & was attempting to become a dual citizen. I had been the example of the very warning to not go into the land of foreigners & take on their ways. I was fulfilling my fleshly desires (worshipping idols). People knew I knew Christ, but were probably wondering how well (bad fruit) & I was letting my old man have his way, when God should have had my heart (building altars).  I had literally turned away from growing to be stagnant & was sabotaging my own life. All the while, I had all the excuses & complaints for the “rewards/blessings” I wasn’t seeing manifested in my life. Crazy!?! I know!

Share an area in this season where you want to grow, remove or change, that you have neglected or let slide; from what you know God desires of you! Share a need that you have for prayer or whatever the Holy Spirit lays on your heart! I love yall & God loves you even more!